I really hate getting around by air. I have a hard time finding something that seems more universally unenjoyable yet maintains such a unyielding grip on the average person. There has to be a better way. There has to be a way to be comfortable in airports, to be comfortable on airplanes, not feel dehumanized at security, not feel exhausted at the end of the day.
Why can’t there be real furniture in airports? Whose stupid rule is it that there can’t be couches, cafe tables, places to put up your feet, electrical outlets, and soft floors in the place where you have to wait for an hour after getting through security for your plane? And why can’t Southwest, with their cattle-call, open-seating, lemming-driven, A-B-C queues have seats instead of making everyone stand for an hour or more just because one asshole wants to be first on the plane? (and why are those assholes never going to the exit row, and instead want to sit at the front of the plane? Is getting there nano-seconds before me really important enough to make me stand up on concrete floors for an hour or more?)
Why can’t there be free wi-fi in every airport? Why can’t there be waitresses delivering drinks, food, and coffee to my seat in the terminal? Why can’t I get something on TV besides CNN and Oprah? Why do I have to get bent over and screwed out of $3 for a bottle of water, just because that $1 bottle of water is inside an airline terminal? Why can’t I get a fresh salad, some healthy sandwiches, or some sushi in the terminal? And why do I have to buy drink coupons at the ticket counter (on the outside of the security curtain) when I’m on a layover?
Why does security have to be so much like a slaughterhouse? Setting aside the critical rants about why we need security at all, why can’t there be some dignity in the process? Why, when the TSA wants to search your bag, can’t they have a place to do it without showing the whole world what color your underwear are? Why can’t we figure out how to screen me without having me take off my shoes (which inevitably means I have to wear my ‘airport’ shoes and pack my regular shoes)? Why is it necessary to consider flip-flops weapons of mass destruction requiring an x-ray? And why is it, when the TSA is screening everyone who comes into the terminal, and every bag and parcel that comes into the terminal, that my luggage, if left ‘unattended’, is a threat to security?
Why must we gather around after our flight arrives like a bunch of beggars waiting for alms at the baggage carousel to claim our luggage just so we can schlep our suitcases, skis, golf clubs, shopping bags, briefcases, laptops, infant car seats, strollers, and all the other detritus of traveling onto a shuttle bus for the trip to some off-site rental car location, where we get to kick, drag, carry, and otherwise ‘attend to’ it all while queuing up to get a clone-car? Why can’t I just hand my luggage off at the place where I start my trip – my house or hotel room – to someone who does that schlepping and delivers it to the place where I end my trip – my house, grandma’s, or hotel room – and let me enjoy the ‘over the hills and through the woods’ part?
Why are the plastic cups on Southwest short and wide? When you throw ice cubes in them they hold something like two swallows of liquid, they slosh in turbulence, and when the flight attendant wraps the paper napkin around them, you have an even chance to let it slip and spill all over your lap/magazine/book/computer. Why aren’t there places in the terminal that will sell you a gourmet meal in a stay-hot pouch made to order over the internet and picked up at my layover airport? Why can’t I get hard, dry apple cider? And why must I suffer with Bud and Coors and Miller? Where are the good beers and wines?
When do I get to have an airplane bathroom experience that doesn’t ultimately lead to a chiropractic event?
Why is ‘airport gift shop’ synonymous with ‘cheap junk that makes mediocre gag gifts for exorbitant prices’?
Who buys Penthouse or Hustler at an airport newsstand and do they read it on the plane?